


The Violet Hour

by TheDarkestDearie



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Death, Depression, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2018-07-11 11:37:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7048120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkestDearie/pseuds/TheDarkestDearie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Belle comes back to Storybrooke after a few years away at school in New York. She works at the flower shop and regular patron Mr. Gold can see that she is not the same, she’s sad and tired, not the bright eyed, happy girl he remembered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Familiar Faces

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this a while ago and I decided to post it to put off working on a final paper (:  
> I hope you enjoy!!

It was Friday afternoon. The only day of the week that gave him a sense of purpose. He stepped into the flower shop, the familiar scent of flowers and mildew hitting him as it always did. He picked up a bouquet of his usual flowers, an arrangement of white roses, light blue delphiniums, and white carnations. He had the same routine every Friday: wake up, go to work, go to the florists, and visit the cemetery.

When he went to the register, he noticed a head of bright auburn hair he hadn’t seen in a long time.

Belle French, the florist's daughter, was back from university.. So soon.. She had only left three and a half years prior. He remembered her as a teenager, working part time for her father. In fact, she had been quite as part of his routine as everything else on Fridays. She would always greet him and send him off with a smile when he came for his bouquet. Yes, she was always sweet to him and it baffled him. Anyone who knew Belle or had the good fortune of being acquainted with her knew how bright and spirited she was. The girl had a smile and bright blue eyes that could light up the world and then some. And she always had something intelligent and witty to say, if her nose wasn’t buried in a book.

He placed the flowers gently on the counter. She turned to him and her eyes widened a bit in recognition and familiarity. “Mr. Gold! It’s good to see you again.” She said, a small rehearsed smile on her lips.

“Hello Belle, it’s been a long time since I last saw you. How’s school?”

She glanced down at the flowers but it was too late. He already saw a look of.. Regret? Sadness? Contemplation, perhaps.

“It was good. I see you still get the usual arrangement.” She was quick to change the subject.

He wasn’t offended at all. Her business was her business. He was just trying to make stupid conversation with a girl he was quite fond of all those years ago. “Yeah, I’ve never been a stickler for change, dearie.” He added and Belle forgot how much she liked his accent. He handed her a twenty for the flowers. “Keep the change.”

“Thank you.” Her tone was soft and her smile was more sincere than the last one. “You know, sometimes change can be good... Here, have a rose, on the house. They’ve always been my favorite.”

He took the white rose from her and thanked her. He even smiled a real smile. The rose was a small, almost silly gesture to represent change but it was sweet nonetheless. He hadn’t smiled in ages, it felt like.

Before he made it out the door, he took one last look at the girl who was once a weekly fixture in his life. She was different. Her eyes looked tired and she looked paler, as though she hadn’t seen the sun in a while. He could tell, deep down that she was not the same girl he'd been acquainted with. Her smile had faded and she looked sad. He knew sadness very well. It was his constant companion and it seemed to have also found a home in Belle. He wondered if it had something to do with her leaving school.

He was gone before he could dwell on it too much. After all, he had a son to visit.

XXXX

Belle closed up shop and headed to her father’s apartment, the home she grew up in. The living room smelled like beer and cigarette smoke. He was passed out on the couch, a John Wayne movie flashing on the screen. She left it on, knowing the background noise would be comforting to her father, and placed a blanket over him, silently wishing him a good night.

After a much needed bath and cigarette, Belle flopped down on her bed, exhausted out of her mind. She was always tired now. She hoped that would stop, once she left New York. But she was cursed now. The world decided that Belle didn’t need happiness and rest. Not after what happened. She grabbed the small, pink, rose shaped rattle with the blue colored stem and pressed the plastic memento to her lips. Her free hand rested on her stomach and she fought tears. She had yet to go a night without those. Belle shut her eyes tight while tears fell and she stroked her tummy to comfort herself. Despite the knot that plagued her throat, she managed to whisper, “I love you, baby. Momma misses you.”


	2. The Wizard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Belle reminisces on the past. She and Mr. Gold have an interesting smoke break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter got some really positive vibes so thank you guys! I'm trying to update regularly!

Belle woke up to her alarm blaring. It was her turn to open up the shop but all she wanted to do was stay home and curl up into her blankets and sleep all day. Being productive was incredibly unappealing.

She got ready as quickly as she could and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. All they had was that damn instant shit that made her gag if she didn’t put enough sugar and milk. Her father strode in looking worse than she did.

“Good morning, Belle.”

“Morning, Papa.” She said blankly. The silence was tense and awkward.

They always sucked at communicating, especially as of late. “You better get going. You don’t want to be late.”

She took in a breath of patience before she spoke. “Yes, Papa. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Belle was at the door when he called out to her. “Belle.”

“Yeah?” She paused.

He almost hesitated to speak but he found his words on time. “I know it’s hard.. But it will be okay. I’m proud of you.”

Why was he saying stuff like that? They never had intimate moments or conversations, they were always limited to the shop or what was for dinner. “Thanks, Papa.”

She was out the door before another silence could befall.

The air was cold and damp, the sky grey and clouded. Perfect cigarette weather. Once she was in her worn down, silver camry, she headed for the shop. It was still too early for anyone to be stopping by the shop and it didn’t take long for her to set everything up. She had enough time for a cigarette break so she stood outside of the shop and took out her pack of Newports. The smoke filled her lungs and helped ease her early anxiety with each inhalation. She was health conscious once, afraid of the cancer that took her mother, but she didn’t care too much about that now.

As smoke filled the air, she was brought back to the day that started it all.

XXXX

**Approximately Eight Months Ago**

The party was loud and hectic, everyone was smoking and drinking and she found herself wanting to go back to her dorm. Zelena had dragged her to this damn party and left her as soon as the first cute guy flirted with her. So Belle sat in the corner, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible with her eyes glued to her book as she read some Jack Kerouac. Once she finished this chapter she'd head home. It was decided.

“You bored?” An English accent tore her away from her book.

The first guy to talk to her and she was surprised to see that he was cute, very cute. He wore a leather jacket and jeans. His skin was dark and he stood out amongst the dominantly white party and yet he was the only one who spoke with an English accent. One of the first things she noticed about him was that he had great eyebrows, a nice turn on. He raised an eyebrow at her silence and she finally remembered she had to speak. “Yeah, just a bit.” She lifted her book.

“Ooh, Jack Kerouac, you must be a clever girl.” He smirked.

“Glad someone noticed.” She smiled back.

He plopped down on the seat next to her and held up a red solo cup. “Care for a drink?”

She eyed both him and the cup warily, not wanting to be another date rape case. “Only if you take a sip first.”

“Oh, you really are clever.” He happily sipped the beer and handed it to her. “I’m Merlin.”

“Merlin?” She laughed. “You can’t be serious?”

“What, you don’t think that’s my real name?” He asked, amused at her skepticism.

Belle took a sip of the beer, slightly stale but cold enough that it was at least enjoyable. “Well, if it is, I’m sorry.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “You’re right. My friends call me Merlin. My real name is Eli.”

“I’m Belle.” She introduced herself and they talked for a long time.

Apparently, the reason he was called “Merlin” was because he was some sort of genius hacker. A great wizard in the hacking community. Personally, Belle preferred Dumbledore as the greatest wizard but Eli argued the name didn’t hold as much prestige or infamy as Merlin did. He was funny, intelligent, and seemed to be the only one at the party interested in having a conversation rather than on the hunt for someone to spend the night with.

Although Belle wouldn’t entirely object to that. She liked him enough that she wouldn’t regret it. Besides, she needed to forget about a certain pawn broker that had no interest in her whatsoever, other than as the girl who sold him flowers. They both enjoyed each other’s company and when the party became too rowdy and loud, she invited him to her place.

One thing led to another and Belle, slightly buzzed on beer and enjoying her lowered inhibitions before she had to start stressing over the fall semester, was on top of Merlin, stripping both his and her clothing and kissing him frantically. It was nice not being able to think about stress and just lose herself in the sheer recklessness of youth and the abandon of care for anything  that made her think too much. And sleeping with Merlin was exactly what she needed to feel alive, to feel as though she were actually living, even if it was just for a moment, and not merely floating through life as the good girl she was expected to be.

When it was over, they were both in fits of laughter, having enjoyed themselves thoroughly. Both were in amicable agreement that they should remain friends and maybe, when both had the time, they could do this again. He left her small flat and it was a while later that Belle realized she didn’t know his last name... And it didn’t even bother her! In all her three years of university, she was finally having fun.

It was two weeks later when tragedy struck.. Merlin was killed trying to stop a bar fight.

And four weeks later, she found out she was pregnant…

XXXX

Belle’s cigarette was already dwindling and she checked the time. Still too damn early. She was just about to use her dwindling one to light a fresh stick when a voice nearly gave her a heart attack.

“A little early for that, isn’t it dearie?”

When she realized it was only Mr. Gold, she flushed in embarrassment. “Sorry,” she muttered and meant to put it out.

“Well, don’t stop on my account. I was just gonna ask if I could join you.”

She raised an eyebrow and countered, “I thought it was too early for this.”

“For _you_ , dear, yes. You’re too young to subject yourself to coffee and cigarettes for breakfast. I, on the other hand, am an old man so it’s perfectly fine.”

Belle let out a breathy chuckle and lit her cigarette, then offered him one. “You’re not old, Mr. Gold. And even if that were true, it would be more prudent for _you_ to stay away from cancer sticks wouldn’t it?... Unless you want to die…”

He stared at her curiously, trying to read this young girl who had obviously changed a great deal. Belle stepped closer to him, taking his hand with the unlit cigarette and brought it close to her mouth where her burning cigarette was pressed between her lips. Her eyes never left his as she lit his cigarette with the ember of hers. It was a strangely intimate moment, not even Belle, who started the whole thing, anticipated it to be that intense.

Belle pulled away and took an especially long drag, trying to put some distance between them.

“Well, you only get one life. It seems a shame to waste it worrying about cigarettes when I could die tomorrow.”

She smirked. “Well, aren’t you a glass half full?”

Belle watched the way his lips quirked into a small smile, slightly mesmerized. Since she was seventeen, she had swooned over Mr. Gold, the fearsome, enigmatic pawn broker who wore suits that could pay her rent and then some- not to mention he also owned the damn town. However, he wasn’t all that fearsome once you spent a little time getting to know him. Granted, Belle didn’t know him all that well. But once, she was working in the shop alone while her father was at the Rabbit Hole when a storm started to break out and poor, unsuspecting Mr. Gold came to collect the rent.  How was he supposed to know little Belle French had a phobia of thunder and lightning?

XXXX

**Five Years Ago**

The transaction was going fine. The cash was already in her hands when a bout of lightning struck. He turned around to observe and when he turned back, she was out of sight, vanished into thin air, it appeared.

“Ms. French?” He called out.

Thunder struck and he heard a whimper come from behind the counter. He went around and found Belle was huddled in the corner, her eyes tightly shut and her hands covered her ears. His son had been afraid of thunder and lightning for a short time. He crouched down next to her, lightly tapping her shoulder. She gasped and opened her azure eyes wide.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Gold!” She was shouting due to both her fright and her distorted hearing. “Your money’s right there! You can leave!”

He wanted to laugh at her shouting and disregard for her own fear. The girl was something else. “I can’t leave you like this.”

“What?!”

He grabbed her hands and pulled them away from her ears. “I said I can’t leave you like this. Not while you’re alone and afraid.”

Just as she was about say something, a roar of thunder pierced through the air, making her shout.

“It’s okay. Here, hold on to me.” He held out his right arm and she looked up at him curiously. “My son was afraid of thunderstorms and this used to help. Although, he was four and he got over it rather quickly.”

“Is that your way of telling me I’m too old to be afraid?” She asked, wrapping her hands around his and raising a skeptic eyebrow.

“No, dearie, it’s my way of saying I know what you’re going through.”

She smiled timidly. “You can call me Belle.”

“What?”

“Instead of 'Ms. French' or 'dearie', you can call me Belle.”

He never really called people by their first names but he supposed he could make an exception for this scared teenager. “Alright then… Belle.”

Another thunder clap and flash of lightning made her grip him tight. She let out a groan through gritted teeth despite having tried to stifle it.

“There you go. Squeeze as hard as you need.” He encouraged warmly.

Belle gazed in his cognac colored eyes and she knew she was fucking screwed. She was in love with Mr. Gold. Whoever said finding love was hard had clearly never looked into his eyes. How had she never noticed the way they had gleamed almost golden in the light? Or the way his long brown and silver-streaked hair framed his sharp, angular features beautifully? Or the way he smelled like smoke and Irish spring?

He stayed with her until the storm let out. Belle hugged him in gratitude, shocking the solitary, complex man. Belle wanted to kick herself. She was too young to have feelings for Mr. Gold. And he would never want a seventeen year old who’s still afraid of fucking thunder and lightning. She just reminded him of the son he lost, that’s all. She was hopeless.

XXXX

“You’ve changed, Belle.” He observed aloud.

She took a particularly long drag. “How so?” She challenged with a raised eyebrow, steeling herself for whatever conclusion he was about to draw.

“It’s in your eyes, dearie, clear as day. _The soul, fortunately, has an interpreter - often an unconscious but still a faithful interpreter - in the eye_.”

Belle’s eyes lit up. “Are you quoting Charlotte Bronte, Mr. Gold?”

“Indeed, I am.” He smiled.

The conversation turned from a potentially personal one to a literary one. It was the most stimulating conversation she’d had in months. Belle found herself warming up to Mr. Gold, once again. He was just as handsome, if not more, with the few years he’s aged. A part of her wanted to open up to him, to tell him every horrible detail about what happened and how hard it was to live with herself. He’d understand. She knew he would because he lost a kid too. But she couldn’t. It was her struggle. And to open up would mean to let him in. And that was just too unthinkable.

They finished their cigarettes and she bid him farewell when people started opening up their shops and driving by in their cars.

Belle was feeling content with her morning. It was off to a rocky start but Mr. Gold made it pleasurable enough.

Mr. Gold, however, was conflicted… He had no idea how it happened. One minute, they’re talking about classic English literature and the next he knew, he was in love…

Mr. Gold was _in love_ with Belle French…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always welcome (:


	3. Little Kicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Gold contemplates his feelings for Belle. An unexpected acquaintance comes back and brings some painful memories with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made myself cry while writing this. But it was late and I was sleep deprived so you may not cry!

 Maybe it happened when they were discussing how genius Tolkien was or maybe it happened when she laughed at something he said, or it probably happened when she boldly told him he was a fucking idiot if he didn’t believe that Marlon Brando was the best actor of all time. (He was partial to Laurence Olivier and Daniel Day-Lewis, but whatever.) All he knew was at some point during their little cigarette break, he found himself in love with her. To him, it seemed almost impossible. He hadn’t loved anyone in so long, he wasn’t even sure he was capable of it until now.

Wait, no. it couldn’t be love. He was just really smitten with her. Yes, that was it. She was no longer the little girl whose hand he once held during the storm- that much was clear. Belle was an intelligent, young, beautiful woman so of course, he was going to be attracted to her. Add that with the fact that she was the only woman, in years, who talked to him about anything other than rent money, pawned goods, and loans- well, that was just a recipe for instant infatuation. That was it. It had to be.

XXXX

They carried on as usual. He’d come in every Friday, and buy the same flowers from Belle. When business was slow, they’d strike up a short conversation, and every other day, they’d meet in the early morning to have their cigarettes, with some harmless flirting ensuing.

It was Friday, well after the lunch hour, and she was counting the minutes until 5 o’clock, the time Mr. Gold usually showed up. It was the only time she didn’t feel entirely miserable.

And then Aurora Bryant happened. She was only about two years older than Belle and one of the few people to leave Storybrooke, besides Belle. She also happened to study in New York. She was getting her PhD in Pharmacology at Columbia University. Belle was a very private person and didn’t keep in contact with many people back home.

About ten months ago, Belle was leaving her Obstetrician’s office and decided to stop by a baby boutique close by, where she ran into Aurora and her newborn baby.

While going through the sales rack, she heard a screeching “Belle?!”

She stiffened, mortified that someone knew who she was and turned around to find Aurora, prettier than ever, with a baby stroller and a couple of onesies in her hands. “Aurora!” Belle was glad it was her. She was one of the more tolerable people of Storybrooke and a nice friend.

“Oh my god, you’re pregnant?!”

She gestured to Belle’s slightly protruding bump. “Yeah, 5 months.”

Aurora gasped, “Only 5 months?! You’re so small!”

Belle chuckled a bit nervously, no one back home knew yet, not even her father. “Yeah, I actually just found out I’m having a girl.” She lightened up at finally telling someone about her news, she could finally reveal how truly excited she was.

“Oh! I have a daughter!” She revealed the small bundle of blankets where her infant’s face poked out.

Belle smiled genuinely. Pretty soon she’d have her own bundle. “She’s beautiful Aurora! What’s her name?”

“Elizabeth Lucille Prince. Here, hold her!” She grabbed the baby and nearly thrust her into Belle’s arms.

She giggled at Aurora’s excitement and enthusiasm. Belle never held a baby before. She was scared she’d break her or that with one small movement, she’d drop her. But it wasn’t so bad. The baby just… slept. “Hello Elizabeth.” She cooed.

Not a second later, she felt a kick in her tummy. “Whoa.” She whispered.

“What is it?” Aurora asked, alarmed. “Is she okay?”

“Elizabeth is fine, it’s- whoa! Okay!” The baby kicked again. Aurora took Elizabeth back and Belle’s hands flew to her tummy, where she felt more little twitches. “The baby is kicking. That’s the first time I’ve ever felt her.”

“That’s wonderful! Oh, I’m so happy for you, Belle.”

“Thank you.” She paused, unsure how to approach the subject of secrecy. “Umm, Aurora listen, people back home, they don’t really know about the pregnancy. I was hoping you wouldn’t tell anyone there.”

“Oh…” She looked a bit baffled and confused. “Okay, yeah. Your secret is safe with me. But why keep it a secret?”

Honestly, she didn’t really know why.. Perhaps because the baby was a product of a one night stand and the baby’s father was dead. And Belle was still pretty young and not finished with school. There was also a good chance her father wouldn’t be supportive. It all came down to not wanting to deal with the stigma that would surround her unconventional pregnancy. She could raise her daughter on her own and didn’t need anyone telling her otherwise.

“You know how it is, it’s a small town, people judge and I don’t want to deal with that. At least not yet.” She explained poorly.

“Yeah, okay. Don’t worry about it. I just hope everything goes well.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Hey, when your girl is old enough, we can schedule play dates!” She proposed.

Belle just smiled appreciatively. “Yeah, that’d be great! I mean, they’ve already been acquainted so they should have fun together.” She gestured to her tummy, where her baby was still kicking.

Aurora laughed and hugged Belle. “It was great seeing you, Belle! Good luck with your pregnancy. If you need anything, like advice, tips, please don’t hesitate to ask. You’re still on Facebook, yeah?”

“Yeah, I am. I’ll see you around! It was great meeting Elizabeth!”

_Another kick._

“Thanks! I hope to meet yours soon.” She winked and went on her merry way.

Belle went back to browsing the racks of clothes and murmured to her baby, “Well, you’re just a possessive little one, aren’t you?”

_Two kicks._

Belle laughed with teary eyes and a swelling heart. She had never been this happy and so full of love before. She bought the rose rattle that day. It was the first thing she ever bought for her baby.

Belle never got the chance to contact Aurora. Two months later, she deleted all social media. Completely shut out any unnecessary contact with the world.

And now, nearly ten months after the baby store meet up, Aurora was back in Storybrooke visiting her proud parents with her happy family. Belle tried to bolt for the back but it was too late. She was spotted. “Belle! Hey!”

She took a deep, patient breath and gave her a tremulous smile. “Hi, Aurora.”

“You never got in touch! How are you?” She asked politely and concernedly, “How’s your little girl?”

The dreaded question. Belle froze while her heart broke again, like it always did when she thought about it. She stared at baby Elizabeth, she had dark hair and blue eyes. The baby babbled away in the awkward silence. “She’s, umm,” Belle could see her father through her peripheral vision, watching the awkward altercation. “I-uh- I _lost_ her.” She said softly though the strain in her voice was audible.

Aurora was horrified, her eyes wide and quickly becoming glossy, she put her hand to her mouth. “Oh, Belle… I’m so sorry! I-“

Belle stopped her. “It’s alright. You didn’t know.” She could tell Aurora was about to apologize some more but Belle couldn’t hear it. She was already on the verge of tears and she just couldn’t break down… Not here. “Look, it was nice seeing you and Elizabeth again, but I’ve got to go. My father will help you with whatever you need.”

Before Aurora could say anything, Belle rushed to the back. She hastily put on her dark grey coat, grabbed a bouquet of violets, and walked to the cemetery.

She used her coat as a blanket and sat at the grave of her unborn daughter. Belle used all of the money she saved for her daughter’s arrival to pay for a small plot. The Storybrooke cemetery had a whole section dedicated for children. She placed her bouquet of flowers in the inserted vase and took out a water bottle from her coat pocket, pouring the water in to keep the flowers alive. She wiped away the dirt and grass clippings that covered the flat-level, black granite grave marker.

She took deep breaths and attempted to calm herself. Sometimes, Belle swore she could still feel her little kicks. Placing her hands on her now flat tummy, she broke. “I’m sorry, my baby!” She gasped between sobs. “I’m so sorry!”

Although the air was cold, the sun shining on her provided her with a soothing warmth. She lied down on her coat and continued to cry until, eventually, her sobs subsided. Exhaustion was overwhelming her. She shouldn’t fall asleep but the sun was shining so nice and warm on her back, like a comforting hug. When was the last time she allowed herself to get some sun? She’d just close her eyes and relax a few minutes. She didn’t want to leave her daughter yet. Just a few minutes…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment! I want to hear your opinions/feedback!


	4. The Violet Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Gold finds Belle at the cemetery. He takes her to coffee and gives her advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically this whole story was inspired by a song called The Violet Hour by the Civil Wars. It's purely instrumental but I feel like it encapsulates the mood of the whole story. So check it out if you want.

Mr. Gold was quite surprised and disappointed when he went into the flower shop and Belle was nowhere to be found. Friday afternoons were sort of like a date for him. A very brief date that only he knew about, it was sad, actually. He bought his flowers and left feeling incomplete, like he was missing or forgetting something. It was probably a good thing, anyway. It wouldn’t do to get used to Belle because that would just intensify whatever he was already feeling for her.

The cemetery was empty, like it usually was. His son’s grave was the only one that was well-maintained since he was the most frequent visitor. He placed the blue and white flower arrangement by the smooth, gray tombstone that read Neal Cassidy Gold. Usually, he spoke to his son. He’d tell him about his work or trivial things that were going on in his life. He even told him about Belle. But today, he just stood silent and looked out. It was the violet hour, his favorite and the most beautiful time of day where the sky would turn different shades of purple and blue and it would mix in with what was left of the orange sunset. Every time he looked into that sky, he felt like the world was trying to calm down from the chaos of the day.

As he lost himself in his surroundings, he realized he wasn’t alone like he initially thought. He saw the form of a person lying down by a stone a couple rows ahead. It was rare he saw someone else in the children’s section of the cemetery. Not many people in Storybrooke have lost their children. He remembered, some time back, seeing a small rectangular patch of grass raised and sympathizing with the parents of the child taken too soon. He assumed the people were from out of town since he would have heard if someone from Storybrooke lost their child. As he looked closer, he noticed a familiar shade of auburn hair that burned in the remnants of sunlight. That can’t be right.

He carefully walked towards the sleeping form and almost couldn’t believe it. What the hell was Belle doing here? He couldn’t get a good view of the stone but that didn’t matter. He couldn’t let her stay there, not when it was getting colder by the second. He bent down and gently prodded her shoulder with his hand.

“Belle?”

She didn’t budge so he tried again. “Belle.” She gasped and shot up. Her hair was mussed and her eyes were wide and slightly puffy.

“M-Mr. Gold?” She looked at her surroundings, panicked that someone found her. “What- what are you doing here?”

“I come here every Friday, you know that..”

“Umm, yeah, sorry.” She shook her head, realizing that this was his territory. For as long as she could remember, Fridays were days he went to the cemetery. Belle meant to be gone before he got there but she hadn’t anticipated falling asleep.

He held his hand out to help her up and she took it hurriedly, eager to leave.

Without her body obstructing the view, he was finally able to see the grave marker.

_Julianna Merelyn French_

_Born Sleeping_

_March 20, 2015_

_I never knew you, but I love you, always._

Then it all clicked and his heart broke for her. He wondered why he found himself so drawn to Belle and why it was so easy to see that something was different about her. It was in her eyes, the look one gets when they lose a part of themselves. Belle, so young and smart with the whole world in front of her, lost a child.

Belle saw his eyes staring at the head stone and she wanted to disappear into nothingness. Now he was going to ask her about it and she was going to break down and it wasn’t going to be pretty. Mr. Gold saw the panic and the hesitation in her eyes.

“I should, uh, I should g-“

“Can I buy you a cup of coffee?” He asked quickly before she could get away.

She stopped abruptly, looking stunned and slightly confused. Shaking the grass off of her coat, she stumbled on her words, “C-coffee? You wanna buy me a cup of coffee?”

“Yeah,” he replied weakly, “you look exhausted and it’s freezing. I think a cup of coffee could do you some good.”

She stood silent for a very long time and he was beginning to worry. He wasn’t bombarding her with questions, at least not yet and for that, Belle was grateful. He was the only man that would probably understand what she’s going through and she could see it in his eyes, he did. Belle sensed he wouldn’t ask her anything that made her feel uncomfortable. And she really didn't want to be alone right now.

“Okay, yeah. Coffee sounds good.”

XXXX

He took her to a small café just on the outskirts of town where she ordered a coffee, black with two sugars, and he ordered tea. They sat in silence, awkwardly listening to the stupid smooth jazz they always played in coffee shops. Neither was exactly sure what they should talk about. Conversations were never this hard for them. But now he knew her secret so things were never going to be the same between them. Mr. Gold was getting restless. The silence was overwhelming and was beginning to feel borderline disastrous. He only invited her for coffee because he didn’t want her to be alone. He’d fallen asleep on his son’s grave multiple times, those were some of his worst days, and days he wished he wasn’t alone. He was about to resort to speaking about the weather when she thankfully spoke up.

“I’m, uh, sorry if I made you cut your visit to the cemetery short.”

He was delighted she finally broke the ice. “It’s no problem. I was just about to leave when I saw you. I’m usually alone there.”

She nodded and went silent again. They were the only ones in the café besides the baristas. Belle sipped on the coffee, the bitterness taking her mind off of the painfully tense silence. He sipped on his tea. At least in the car they could play good music to keep their minds busy.

“This was my son’s favorite place. He loved the hot chocolate here and he especially loved that they topped it with whipped cream and cinnamon.” He stated, surprising Belle.

“What was his name?” She asked, thinking it better to keep the conversation directed towards him.

A small smile made its way to his lips. “Neal.”

“Neal.” She repeated endearingly. “Does it hurt? To talk about him?” She asked both curiously and sincerely. There was a chance she was crossing a line but she wanted to know this. There was finally someone who knew what it was like to lose a child and she needed answers.

“Every single time.” He answered truthfully.

Belle nodded in understanding. “How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Talk about him.”

He breathed deeply, the scent of coffee filling his head while he gazed at her. “It’s difficult at first. It took so long before I could even say his name without wanting to break down. But I wanted to honor Neal, I didn’t want him to be this ghost that haunts me. That’s not what he would have wanted. So you just take it slow when talking about them, start small and work your way up. Then slowly but surely it gets easier. Of course, that means you would have to talk to someone first.”

She hesitated, “Talk to someone… As in a therapist?”

It seemed to be everyone’s fucking solution. As if hiring a shrink was going to fix her. Her father even suggested she check herself into a hospital for “rest” until she felt better. She went off on him and he never brought it up again. Plus, why the hell was she going to hire a therapist when the death of her daughter seemed physically impossible to talk about?”

“Anyone, really. Friends, family- anyone you feel comfortable telling.”

She could tell him about it. She knew she could. But not right now- she wasn’t ready for that level of intimacy and she wasn’t sure if she would ever be. Belle exhaled and held onto her coffee cup to ground her. “No one in Storybrooke knows.” She said softly, it was almost a whisper. “Except for my father and another person who no longer lives here. They found out by accident. They showed up at my father’s shop and it just came out- it was my first time saying it out loud. That’s why I went to the cemetery. I needed to be alone with… _her_ … Please don’t tell anyone, Mr. Gold.” Belle almost choked. She swallowed the knot in her throat.

Mr. Gold did a rather bold thing. He took hold of her hand and squeezed lightly, applying a comforting pressure. “I won’t, Belle, I promise.”

She took in a deep breath, letting the coffee scented air fill her lungs, and she blinked away the tears that were starting to build up. “Thank you.”

“No thanks are necessary.” Mr. Gold squeezed her hand again before letting go.

The conversation shifted to lighter topics. They discussed their favorite horror movies and ordered more coffee and tea. Mr. Gold even managed to make Belle laugh, _really_ laugh with one of those typical, lame dad jokes. It felt comforting to Belle that, despite the heavy topic of their earlier conversation, she was still able to laugh and find things humorous. They left at closing time when the employees began wiping down tables and flipping the chairs. Belle almost didn’t want to leave. She was finally beginning to feel somewhat normal and enjoyable. She didn’t want to lose that slight semblance of normalcy just yet.

They were parked just outside of her father’s place when, to waste time, she suggested they have a cigarette. The smoke was relaxing and it slowed down her thoughts which always seemed to be racing now. Belle studied Mr. Gold as his lips puckered around the cigarette and he inhaled the smoke. If she took a picture of him right now, it would be like a work of art that belonged in a gallery. With his expensive suit and coat and his nicely structured, age worn face, and the cancer stick in his mouth, he looked so destructively beautiful.

“I named her Julianna,” she mentioned, much to his surprise and hers, “after one of my favorite book characters- Julianna Baker from Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen.” He stared at her as though he had no clue what she was talking about. Belle chuckled at his confusion. She explained, “I read it in high school and she was an intelligent, brave, strong-minded character. It’s what I wanted for… for _her._ ”

Belle’s eyes became glossy although she did manage not to choke up, which already seemed like a big step for her. She didn’t know why she was telling him about her now but she knew that deep down she wanted to.

“That sounds like you.” Mr. Gold mused.

Belle half-smiled thoughtfully. She felt nothing like that. “Her middle name, Merelyn, came from her father. His nickname was Merlin and he died before I even knew I was pregnant.”

He froze. That information was way too unexpected and his heart broke even further for her. “I- I’m so sorry, Belle.”

“It’s okay, really.” She placed her hand on his arm comfortingly. It was well into the night and it was getting significantly colder. If her father wasn’t drunk, he’d be worried by now. “I should go inside, it’s getting late.” She couldn’t stay and risk wanting to tell him more, to tell him everything because she knew she’d regret it. That foreboding feeling of letting someone in was starting to creep up on her. But he told her about his son, which wasn’t easy. If she was going to start talking, it may as well be with him.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Thank you, though, for the coffee and for everything. I really appreciate it.” She spoke sincerely, even giving him another smile, a timid one. They stared at each other and it was just like the first time they ever smoked together, intimate and warm. Belle leaned in slowly and kissed his cheek, allowing the sweet moment to overtake her natural instinct to push him away. Mr. Gold’s heart may have jumped a little but he was very okay with it. “Good night, Mr. Gold.” She whispered.

“Gabriel.”

“What?”

He blinked, realizing he impulsively gave her his name. “My name… It’s Gabriel.”

Belle smiled genuinely. “Well then good night, Gabriel.”

“Goodnight, Belle.”

She walked into the door of her father’s apartment feeling content with her night, especially considering how she felt before. There was a ghost of a small grin on her lips as she locked the door and went over the fact that she kissed Mr. Gold on the cheek.

“Where have you been?” Her father’s deep voice spoke. Her grin disappeared.

She turned around to look at him. He was in his pajamas but she could tell he wasn’t drunk… yet.

“I went to the cemetery. To see her.” She answered.

“This whole time?” He pressed.

Belle decided to ignore him and went into the kitchen, dropping her bag on the counter before proceeding to grab a water bottle from the fridge. He followed her. “How did Aurora Prince know you were pregnant?”

“What?” She asked, affronted.

He crossed his arms authoritatively. “Back in the shop, she _knew_ you were pregnant and I didn’t even find out until-“

“Enough, Dad.” She said sternly but didn’t raise her voice. “I ran into her back in New York while she was studying at Columbia. She saw me and that’s how she found out. I didn’t _want_ her to know. Now, I’m going to bed.”

“Belle if you would have just told me that you were pregnant before I could have-“

“What?” Her voice raised a little and she could feel the light trembling in her bones she felt when she was angry and confrontational. “What would you have done, hmm? Would you have congratulated me? _Been_ there for me? Saved us- saved _her_?”

She could feel those fucking forsaken tears trying to burn through her eyes. _Don’t think about it, Belle. It’ll just hurt you more._

Moe stood there, baffled. What could he say to make it better? He was never good at being a father after Colette passed. There was nothing he could do to make his daughter feel better. He was useless.

“I’m going to bed. Good night, father.”

She stormed out with her water bottle and purse in arm. She had to breathe. She had to remember to breathe because sometimes she forgot how. Her eyes were shut tight and she saw flashes of what she wanted to forget so desperately. It feels like just yesterday, her tummy was swollen with the life of her daughter inside of her, the life of Julianna. Belle plopped down on her bed and grabbed the rattle from under her pillow. It was yet another night she spent clutching onto the rattle and crying before falling into a restless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I made a mistake in the 1st chapter. At first, I meant for Belle's memento to be a teddy bear so in the last paragraph, I accidentally combined the idea that she was holding onto the rattle and the teddy bear. But I fixed it. Please excuse that small error.


	5. Brighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the cemetery incident, Belle goes to see Gold to thank him for helping her. Their friendship gets deeper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's literally been over a year since I last updated this fic. I am terribly sorry that it's taken so long and I am sorry to all of those who have patiently waited for an update. Also, thank you all who commented and messaged me about this fic, your vocal desire for an update did not go unheeded. Enjoy!

Her eyes were puffy when she woke up. She looked in the bathroom mirror and felt regret. There was so much pent up anger and resentment in her. Most of it was directed towards herself but she projected it against her father and lashed out at him last night. He didn’t deserve it.

Belle made breakfast but she didn’t eat much of it. The rest was for her father, as an apology. She didn’t have to work today. But she needed to get out of the house. Back in New York, she stayed inside all day. But being in Storybrooke, with her father, she felt restless, like she couldn’t stay here. She needed her own space to wallow in her grief.

The atmosphere was awkward when her father walked in and she was standing by the counter, sipping coffee.

“I made you some breakfast… to say sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

He nodded. “It’s okay, Belle. I don’t blame you and I’m not mad at you.”

“Either way, I’m sorry Papa.”

He looked at her with understanding before changing the subject. “What are you doing with your day off?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”

Truthfully, she knew what she was going to do. She just didn’t want to tell him.

XXXX

Belle went to Mr. Gold’s pawn shop during his lunch hour. He was alone and carefully looking at an old tea set. The little bell on the doorway rang when she stepped in, alerting him to her presence.

“Belle,” he sounded pleasantly surprised to see her. She had never visited him at his shop before. “What brings you by?”

“Nothing, really. I just wanted to thank you again for last night. You really helped me get through the night.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that, Belle. I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

“Thanks.”

She looked around the shop and scanned the glass counters with all kinds of treasures in them. It was amazing to see so many old, pretty things in a town as ordinary as Storybrooke. _Gabriel_ , it seemed, was kind of the same. Not that Belle thought he was old but he was certainly pretty and didn’t look or feel like he belonged in Storybrooke. He was the richest man in town yet he owned an antique shop. It felt like he was settling for life in this shitty town, just like her. But she understood. He wanted to be closer to his son. And she wanted to be close to her daughter.

“Can I buy you lunch?” She asked impulsively. It was unexpected and the last thing he ever expected her to ask.

“Lunch?” He responded like an idiot who couldn’t understand the concept of lunch.

“Yeah, that’s my way of repaying you for the coffee. We don’t have to go out, I can go get us some burgers and we can eat here. It doesn’t have to be like a date.”

Belle was smiling uncertainly.

He wasn't even aware that a date was an option. He usually avoided those like the plague.

"Okay," he said, trying to hide his disbelief that this conversation was actually happening.

Belle's smile became one of relief. "Great! Do you even eat burgers?"

"Yes, sometimes, when I'm fresh out of souls."

She laughed and it made him feel so much better about himself. He wasn’t sure if that joke would go well.

"Awesome, I'll get us some burgers and see if I can find you an innocent soul to consume on the side."

"Perfect."

They were both smiling like crazy when she left to get the food. Then he was suddenly overcome with nervousness. Lunch was completely different than coffee and a cigarette, or an impromptu coffee together. This was a meal, with a smart, beautiful woman he liked. Then he felt like an ass for letting her pay. But he gathered Belle was the type that didn't care for old school dating ideals.

Belle came back with the food and iced teas for the both of them. They ate in the back room of his shop on a desk. Belle talked about places she wanted to travel, like Denmark, Greece, and Germany. It was quite sweet. She really did have a whole life ahead of her. She should be able to travel anywhere she wants and not be stuck in Storybrooke because of a tragedy.

"Have you traveled?" She asked before shoving a french fry in her mouth.

"Not many places," he admitted, "I lived in London for a bit when I was in my twenties. I've also traveled around the US for work purposes. But that's about it."

“Really? You look like a well-travelled man.”

“Well, I’ve been around I just never stayed long enough to experience much.”

“That sucks.. You just let all of that beauty pass you by?”

“Yeah, I did. I didn’t have much appreciation for my surroundings back then.”

“Would you let yourself enjoy your surroundings if you travelled now?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel too old to travel for fun.”

Belle laughed. “No one is ever too old to travel for fun! And you’re not even that old.”

“Thanks,” he said sarcastically, making her laugh again. It was beautiful hearing her laughter and knowing he caused it. “So when do you plan on embarking on your travels.”

“When I can afford it and when I’m ready. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of adventure right now.”

“Why not?” He asked mindlessly.

She paused for a moment and he felt like he was being intrusive. He was going to change the subject before she spoke.

“I don’t feel like I deserve it. I shouldn’t try to enjoy someplace else. It would feel too much like moving on and I’m not ready for that.”

She was punishing herself. He knew what it was like to punish yourself. He still did it sometimes. “Well, when you are ready, I hope you see the world.”

“Thanks.” She smiled slightly. Belle liked that he didn’t try to contradict her by telling her that she did deserve it and all that shit that people would say to try to make her feel better.

“Would you like to come with me on Friday? To the cemetery. So you won’t have to go alone… And so I won’t have to go alone.”

She almost couldn’t believe that he was asking her. Since she’s known him, he’s always been a solitary man. And she knew that Fridays at the cemetery were special to him.

He wasn’t sure what compelled him to ask her that in this very moment. Gold just knew that he enjoyed her company and he didn’t want her to feel like she had to go through her grief alone.

“I’d really like that.” She said thoughtfully. “Are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m sure. I like spending time with you and I figured you might like to visit the cemetery on a regular basis, as well. Plus, it gives me an opportunity to buy you another cup of coffee afterwards. You know, to say thank you for this for lunch.”

Belle looked at him suspiciously. “Then I’ll just have to buy you lunch again to say thank you for the coffee.”

“Coffee is only five dollars. Lunch is at least twice that, I don’t see how that’s fair.”

“Well, those are my terms. You buy me coffee. I buy you lunch. Sound good?”

He smiled and shook his head in disbelief. Belle liked how much brighter he looked when he smiled. “Sure, it sounds good. Just know, I won’t stop buying you coffee until it makes up for lunch.”

“And I’m just going to keep buying you lunch.”

“Here I thought I was evil.”

Belle laughed once more and they finished up their lunch. Both of them were excited knowing that they were going to see each other more often. Already, they could feel a slight shift in their friendship. It was getting deeper and even though it scared them, they weren’t going to stop because they liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided to keep the chapters for this fic short, for now. If you guys have suggestions, ideas, prompts, etc. please feel free to comment or ask me on my tumblr. Also, tell me what you thought of this update! As always, I love your feedback. Again, thanks for your patience, lovelies!

**Author's Note:**

> Please, let me know what you think!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Eden Sank to Grief](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7674589) by [TheDarkestDearie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkestDearie/pseuds/TheDarkestDearie)




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